Why Do Counsellors Have Endings?

Endings are often something that people struggle with. They can be connected to attachment, loss and grief.

We can become attached to people, jobs, animals and stories. The emotional turbulence that appeared online when the television series Stranger Things reached its final episode showed how strongly endings can affect us. People had watched the characters and story grow over almost a decade. Letting go of this, and many other things, can be challenging.

Equally, in counselling, clients may be discussing and coming to terms with other kinds of endings: the end of a relationship, a bereavement, the loss of health, retirement, or the end of a job.

So why is it important to consider endings in counselling?

The therapeutic relationship

The importance that a counsellor places on the therapeutic relationship is deep. It is one of the foundations of therapy.

Openness, trust and congruence help form a relationship that begins as two strangers knowing very little about each other. Over time, that relationship may become a place where difficult thoughts, emotions and experiences can be shared safely.

The contract helps establish the expectations of that relationship at the beginning. It is therefore also important that a client knows this new relationship, which is beginning, will at some point in the future end.

When that will be may not always be clear. Depending on the counsellor’s approach, therapy may be fixed-term, perhaps eight to twelve sessions, or it may be open-ended and longer term. Even then, the idea of an ending remains.

Therapy is not designed to create permanent dependence. It is designed to help a person grow, develop and carry the work forward into their own life.

Why endings should be discussed early

This is why endings should be discussed in a client’s first meeting with a potential counsellor and mentioned in the counselling contract, this was discussed in another blog you can read here.

The idea that counselling will, at some point in the future, come to an end should not come as a surprise.

In fixed-term work, good practice often places responsibility on the counsellor to remind clients how many sessions remain, to prepare for the ending, and to check in about how the client might feel.

I have found these discussions delicate in the past.

Clients may worry:

“What if I need you?”
“How will I cope?”
“What if I am not ready?”

These questions often speak to something deeper than the ending of therapy itself.

When endings awaken older endings

For some people, the ending of counselling may stir feelings connected to earlier endings in life.

It may connect to past experiences of rejection, abandonment, sudden loss, separation, or relationships that ended without explanation.

This can mean that the ending of therapy feels bigger than simply the final session. It may carry emotional echoes from other parts of life.

Recognising this can help both counsellor and client approach endings with care and understanding.

The purpose of therapy

The purpose of therapy is to promote individual autonomy. It aims to help a client develop strategies and an internal sense of self so that any possible feeling of reliance on the counsellor is reduced.

Sometimes therapy offers a reliable and consistent relationship that may feel different from relationships a person has previously known. Part of the work can be helping someone internalise that steadiness, so it can be carried forward when therapy ends.

Part of caring for another person can include helping them grow in confidence, resilience and independence.

Why endings matter

Part of this responsibility lies with the counsellor.

The British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) has noted that a number of complaints made to the organisation relate to mismanaged endings, leaving clients feeling abandoned or unheard (BACP, n.d.).

They state:

“Endings are a significant part of the therapeutic process and are often deeply meaningful or symbolic for clients. A good ending can be a life-changing experience for some, enabling healing of past hurts and affirming the client in their ability to manage on their own without their therapist. On the other hand, a bad ending can trigger painful memories and have the effect of re-traumatising a client.”

A thoughtful ending can therefore be more than administration. It can be part of the healing itself.

For some people, therapy may be one of the first relationships that ends in a respectful, honest and planned way.

When clients leave suddenly

It is important to recognise that some clients who struggle with endings may also choose to stop attending therapy without discussion.

This may be because they have not always had agency over endings in their own life, so making the decision themselves can feel like a way of taking control.

However, this can sometimes leave unresolved issues and a missed opportunity to experience a healthier ending to a relationship.

This is why endings need to be discussed at the beginning, in the contract, during reviews and throughout the arc of therapy.

This helps ensure that therapy remains therapy, and not merely a comfortable space or a habit.

In conclusion

Endings may be difficult, and sometimes painful. They may feel frightening. The idea that a supportive ear will no longer be present can stir uncertainty, even when growth has taken place.

However, when discussed in an honest and open way, endings can also be restorative.

Irvin Yalom wrote that endings “may be an important factor in the instigation of change” (Yalom & Leszcz, 2020).

Sometimes the ending is not separate from the therapy.

Sometimes, it is part of the healing.

References

BACP. (n.d.). Working with endings in therapy. British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. https://www.bacp.co.uk/

Yalom, I. D., & Leszcz, M. (2020). The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy (6th ed.). Basic Books.

Sincerely Yours, Paul

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